I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
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Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.