“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
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I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed