Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

Fluff me with a fork baby

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

This is hilarious….

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

12653.

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.