I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
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Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I’m sorry…what?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
BRO LMFAO
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do