I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
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Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Childbirth is so beautiful
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?