I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
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narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.