I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
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I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is