I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
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One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Kids: Stay in school.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Great acting.. 😂
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
A little too much information.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now