I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
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2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
This has made my week.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I wanna be friends with this person
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.