I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
You Might Also Like
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
happy friday
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.