I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
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I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
and this one
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Breaking news:
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.