I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
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I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.