STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
You Might Also Like
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT