I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
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“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
<—- homeless romantic
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Morning my dudes.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My therapist after every session
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high