I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
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I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Why is this me 😫
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Breaking news:
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks