I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
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I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich