i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
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one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back