I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
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The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.