I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
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If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
thanksgiving in nutshell
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.