I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
You Might Also Like
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send