I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
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Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.