I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
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HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles