I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
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*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…