I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
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“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
fourth time’s the charm
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.