I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

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sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life


Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?


7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.


shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend


There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.


Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.


[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet


Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.


Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.