I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
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parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!