I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
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[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.