I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
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Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.