I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
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Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Phonetics
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?