i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
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why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Oh, I bet you would be
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.