I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
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How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
BRAKING NEWS!!
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you鈥檙e wrong.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma鈥檃m I鈥檓 afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I鈥檝e ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
If the murder robots look like wall鈥 I will betray all of you
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 馃檨
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn鈥檛
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn鈥檛
Me: That鈥檚 not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn鈥檛
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won鈥檛 want to leave the house for several weeks.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.