I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
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“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.