I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
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Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Who’s your best friend?
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.