@mattZillaaaa

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

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@Playing_Dad

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

@FloodyHippie

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

@goodgrief_rats

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

@causticbob

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

@gojarbe

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

@iwearaonesie

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

@PaperWash

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

@adult_keverage

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

@whatsJo

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

@joeljeffrey

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend