I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
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ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
[eats all your cotton candy]
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.