I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
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I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
A man of commitment.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*