I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

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mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip


the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range


Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.


If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.


[Cop arresting a centipede]
*opens crate of new handcuffs*


Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes


Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”