@Modi_defence

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

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@EndhooS

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

@HepatitisAtoZ

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

@skullpuppy11

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

@crunchenhanced

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

@flashember

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

@sweetmomissa

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

@HollyMemphis

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”