I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
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Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
BRAKING NEWS!!
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.