I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
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roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
A great tip. #CakeRex
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*