I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
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If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
You better watch out
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.