I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
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Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Social Media and Real life
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.