I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
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My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.