I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
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*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it