I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
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Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.