I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
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Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Basketball
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle