I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
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Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I’m not lazy
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.