I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
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my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.