Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”