i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
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Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Straight people are cancelled
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.