I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
True
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
