@JimmerThatisAll

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

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@DanMentos

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

@n0tblonde

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

@

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

@PoodleSnarf

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

@TheCatWhisprer

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

@riklomas

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away