I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
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When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
beware of dog
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Never forget.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it