I would guard your potatoes so hard.
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Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.