I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
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“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
My dad teaching me to drive
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I falcon love using swear birds
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.