I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
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My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Mornin
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
A friend sent me this.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself