I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
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People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Wasps: bees, but not helping
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Does this dress make me look cat?